My son celebrated his 15th birthday earlier this week, and that has had me feeling melancholy, then last night he told me that he wasn't sure if he still wants me to tell him goodnight at bedtime anymore. We have had this routine for most of his life, and the fact that part of him doesn't want me to do it anymore hurts more than I thought it would.
I understand he is growing up, just like he is supposed to, just like his father and I did before him, and our parents did before us. This is the way of things, and it's not bad, but there has just been too much reality this week and I am having a difficult time handling it.
I like to think when I get bummed out, but sometimes that gets me into trouble because I think about some issue and then that leads to thinking about other things, then suddenly I am drowning in every single little insignificant problem that I have, crushed by guilt about most of it and feeling helpless, lost and utterly alone.
That's where I am now. Alone. Feeling like no one gives a crap about me, and I am pretty sure it would take quite some time for most people to realize I was gone were I to actually remove myself from the current version of my life. (Just to be perfectly clear here, I am NOT talking about suicide. I'm too nosy to kill myself. Something good might happen tomorrow and I do not want to miss it. So, that's not going to happen. I am talking about packing up a few things and going somewhere else.)
I have wondered just how long it would take various people to figure out I had left were I to actually give in to the impulse and leave. My son would figure it out first, I think, if I didn't take him with me. Everyone else, I'm not sure. Some people it would take weeks or even months for them to wonder where I was.
Sometimes I do think about heading out and starting a new life somewhere else. I fantasize about what might happen to me, how things would be different than they are now. Then I realize that I have no way to pay my bills or support us, and I just got a new car that I do not want to lose, and I realize I would miss my friends, even the one who blows me off all the time for no good reason.
And though I am not done writing, my owner (my feline overlord Winnie) has started causing no end of mischief--something she only does when her food bowl is empty or when she wants me to go to bed so she can sleep on my feet. And, as it is coming up on 2:30 in the morning, she may be right that I should go to bed.
Perhaps I can revisit this in the future and finish my thoughts. Education--both mine and my son's, other events that have happened this past week, some of the physical garbage that is going on in addition to the brain weasels running rampant.
Also, to my husband who may be upset after reading this because I didn't specifically say that I would miss him, I lumped you in with "my friends" because I didn't want to make a run-on sentence even more unwieldy. Also, don't be offended or upset by my thinking about running away. I'm just having a moment and it'll pass shortly.
This is my new car, Q,
and this is my owner, Winnie.
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